Grief – 6 weeks in

Mum in hospital in February 2015
Mum in hospital in February 2015

So I wanted to write a blog today as today it’s 6 weeks since Mum died. It’s fair to say it’s been a bumpy ride with some really awful and some really good times all mixed in. I’ve blogged previously about how I sometimes feel my emotions have been unstable and even unreadable and I still think that’s true. 

What I actually mean by “unreadable” is that just a couple of weeks after she died, I expected to feel unbearably sad, I felt ok and that felt weird. At times like birthday celebrations when I thought I would be ok, I felt awful and THAT felt weird. 

I would like to say that seems to be levelling out a bit now, but I feel like that might be tempting fate. I’ve had a good week after a bad week previously. The sunshine helps and the fact that our garden is nearly finished is an exciting prospect. But then dad brought me a little card that the funeral directors prepared which says something about the passing of Margaret Dixon and there was something about seeing mum’s name next to something about a dead person that I just couldn’t join up in my head.

I used to speak to mum every day on the phone and that stopped abruptly in October when she went into Liverpool Heart & Chest Hospital to have her Oseophagectomy. We now don’t even have a land line as it wasn’t getting used when she didn’t call. I miss speaking to her every day and it seems odd that I can’t tell her stuff that’s been going on…

I have spent some time with dad this week and he still seems a little lost, but I would be too. He and mum were together for 45 years and whilst my sister and I have got our husbands and the girls (J’s daughters) to talk to and keep us distracted, dad is on his own.  It must be so hard. 

Anyway, I would say for me personally, I have started to feel a bit better and every day life doesn’t seem quite as taxing. That’s an improvement I reckon… I’ll let you know how it goes. 

G x