Tribute to Mum

What do you do when you can’t settle… Well I made a montage of photos…  

 

God I’m going to miss her xxx  

Bittersweet Day

Oh what a day it has been. It’s my gorgeous husband’s birthday today, he is officially 42. It’s been such an odd day though as whilst we wanted to celebrate his birthday, it feels wrong to be jolly when it’s mum’s funeral tomorrow. 

We normally make a huge fuss for both our birthdays, well why not eh? So not being able to fully indulge has felt weird in lots of different ways. In the end we went for a small breakfast buffet with birthday cake but no singing or candles.  

We all clubbed together as a family and got him an Apple Watch, as when he tried one on in the Apple Store, he just LOVED it! It doesn’t ship until June, but this is him in the Apple Store! 

Giddy kipper

Giddy kipper

We have then just been to see dad and just stayed for while and had a chat. He has cleaned the house up beautifully ready for tomorrow and so everything is set. 

I wish I was set. My stomach is in knots and my IBS has taken a serious turn for the worse. I am dreading tomorrow and it still all doesn’t seem real. 

I hope M has had a good a day in some ways, but I know the whole thing has been very subdued. What else could we do? 

 

Gx  

Barbecue and Sympathy

So today is, well should be a happy day as our fancy shmanzy barbecue has arrived along with some “stress relief” purchases of a ridiculously expensive cover and grill scraper. 

It’s a funny thing that when you are living through a grieving process you feel like either you can’t or shouldn’t be laughing and if you do so involuntarily, you feel guilty. But the simple fact of life is that, it does carry on. Things DO carry on being funny and people and things are able to make you laugh. 

Just because you laugh it doesn’t mean you aren’t still grieving or that your loss is diminished, it isn’t. For me, it just means that I am human. But I still feel guilty. 

But dad has been round today and we haven talked about mum and things and I think it helps us both. By all accounts, my sister is coping in her usual way, by shopping the hell out of her credit card! We all have our ways of dealing.. 

I have also had some flowers from work today, I was very touched.. and our sideboard is heaving from the sympathy cards. I always think of myself as a person with very few friends, so to receive so many cards is a real humbling experience. 

G x 

Oh so tired

Well it’s all I can do today to write this diary entry. I think the events of the last few days have finally caught up with me. We have been so busy with one thing and another that with nothing to do today, we have kind of just slumped.

Mum’s funeral is set for next Tuesday and we are going straight to St Helens Crematorium. There is going to be a wake at The Conservative Club and so far I think a few people have said that they are coming.

I am just so damn tired that I have felt like I could do a nap for most of the day. WTF?

G x

 

 

Arrangements

So as I mentioned in my last post, my mum passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning and since then, things have been a bit, well odd.  

I feel better than I thought I would and I started  feel guilty about that. But I have to give you some context. Mum had Cancer for about a year with so many complications and set backs, it isn’t even funny. About 5 weeks ago she was told that treatment was no longer an option and was told to “go home and be with your family”. 

I think I maybe started my own grieving process then as I cried and sobbed when the news was confirmed. M had to come home from work I was so upset and I had countless sleepless night and bad dreams, all the time going to work with a mind full of worry and pain. I crashed my car one morning after some nights with poor sleep and I had to take some time off to sort my head out. 

So when mum did pass, I feel sad of course, but calm – accepting almost. 

Is that wrong? Am I weird? I feel like I should almost measure how I am feeling against other members of my family, but the truth is, everyone has their own experience and there is no script for something like this.  

We have been to register her death today and organise things like the wake and food etc etc. There is so much admin whe someone dies that you really have to have your shit together at the worst possible time. Madness, 

 

g x  

Sad News

Sad News

Very sad news to report as my lovely mum Margaret passed away in her sleep last night. I was staying overnight with her as she didn’t want to be on her own and also so my dad could have a decent sleep. So as it happened, I was about 2:15am and I was on my own with her. She just drifted away.

Cancer is such a cruel disease and it’s robbed me of 3 out of 4 grandparents, my beloved Peggy Dog and now my mum. It’s not fair and we really really need to find a cure.

Don’t know what to say, so I just thought I’d leave you with her lovely face.

G x

 Margaret Esther Dixon 1946-2015

Yay for the weekend!

Hello everyone, hope you are enjoying your Saturday? We had quite a lie in this morning and then we started the BBQ fun/trauma.  It’s M’s birthday a week on Monday and because the garden is half done, we would like to have a barbecue as his party. M is not one to buy things rashly, he likes to do his research and find us the best product we can afford. As such, we aren’t going to get any old grill, but the doyenne of ALL grills. The Weber Spirit Classic E210 Gas Barbecue . 

We were able to get 9% discount using a gift card thingy that I am able to get through work. So this morning we went to the B&Q website and tried to buy our grill, only to find that the gift card didn’t work!!  We made 2 phone calls to discover that for some UNKNOWN reason, you can’t make diy.com purchases with gift card. Grrrrrrr. 

Anyway, we ended up going to our local store and getting them to order it (Yippee!!). It’s being delivered on Thursday (hopefully) However, this did take no less than 5 members of staff in B&Q, but they were very helpful and friendly and we did eventually manage to sort things out. 

Whilst we were there, we also got a few plants and stones and things to try and improve the planting in the front beds and a small bed we have at the end of the drive. The plants that were in, were put there by our builder, Taylor Wimpey, when we moved in in June 2014. They are a bit rubbish and the ground they were planted in is very “building site”. 

Wanna see a before and after? 

So quite a productive day so far 🙂 I am just having a chill now because tonight I am staying with mum so that dad can get some sleep. As she has become more and more unwell, she has been having restless nights and dad hasn’t been going to bed. 

However, she had a catheter fitted yesterday and so with an increase of sleeping medication, it seems that last night was a little calmer. Even so, I think mum just likes someone to be there… I imagine she goes to sleep most nights wondering if she’s going to wake up. How frightening for her. 

Anyway, just a few bits and bobs to do before I go to mum’s for 10pm. I’m not really looking forward to it, I suppose that I am just as scared that she  might die in the night. Not good all round really. 

G x 

End of life care

So this is quite a tough diary to write as yesterday mum had a bad night and both my sister and I had the day off so we could help look after her. She was visited by both the doctor and the district nurse and because of her deterioration, the conversation turned to End of Life Care. *sighs* 

We discussed things like syringe drivers and “do not resuscitate” orders. All quite heavy but unfortunately necessary. Mum was understandably upset and dad is somewhere down a river called denial. 

In some odd way, we did have a nice day though as all th family were together and even my gorgeous 2 nieces came at the end of the day to eat ice pops and play in the garden. They are 9 and 5 and had no idea of the seriousness of the situation – what a blessed and light relief. 

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