3 years today | Grief

It’s 3 years today since we lost my mum. I say “Lost” she was actually ripped from our family much earlier than expected when Cancer took hold of her body and destroyed it.

She wasn’t an adventurous woman, any trip further than Wigan brought her out in a cold sweat, but she made a good brew, she cared brilliantly for the old people in her care for over 20 years for her job, she was a vehement Wigan Warriors supporter and her fruitcake was the stuff of legends.

She left behind my dad and husband of 43 years, myself and my sister, 2 granddaughters, and a whole host of other people that loved her. She is missed. I miss her. I am nowhere near as sad as I have been since it happened, but I always feel a little “off” around this time.  The upside is I get to talk about her a bit, which I don’t do so much anymore.

Grief is hard and weird and nothing like I thought it would be. But whatever it feels like, it does, in fact, suck.

Miss you Mum.

G x

 

Friday Feeling

So what is your normal Friday feeling? Happiness, excitement, general positivity? Well mine today is just bluurgh. I have been to see my Chorley team this morning which went well, but when I got home I just started to feel sad. It almost 4 weeks since mum died and whilst I felt OK at first, as the weeks have gone one, I have felt worse and worse. This week was my first full week back at work and it’s been a real mix of busy, fun, sad and weird all at the same time.

I need to give myself a break for feeling sad at times, as this is the EXACT right emotion to have 4 weeks after your mum dies. Let’s not forget that before she passed, she was desperately ill for 12 months and that was horrible from start to finish. There were almost no times of light relief or respite and that was especially hard.

It’s also Bank Holiday this weekend, which means that it’s a 3 day weekend. Tomorrow is M’s sister’s birthday and we are going to his mum & dad’s for a birthday buffet. I am not really looking forward to going, but not because I don’t love M’s family and think they are great, but because I still don’t feel like being social. But if I don’t go, then what will I do? Stay at home on my own? That’s not good either.

Anyway, the one thing that was sort of funny today, was the range of pressies M and I bought ourselves….. who needs diamonds and gadgets when you can have a brush set, napkin holder and washing prop!!!

I feel more and more that I have a Maginot  line in the sand… before mum dad and after she died and it’s immovable. Grief is very weird, but M keeps reassuring me that we will get through it, and I know he’s right. However, when you are right in the middle of it, like I am and we are now, it’s hard and I guess I just have to take each moment, day, hour, week and month as it comes.

G x

Bittersweet Day

Oh what a day it has been. It’s my gorgeous husband’s birthday today, he is officially 42. It’s been such an odd day though as whilst we wanted to celebrate his birthday, it feels wrong to be jolly when it’s mum’s funeral tomorrow. 

We normally make a huge fuss for both our birthdays, well why not eh? So not being able to fully indulge has felt weird in lots of different ways. In the end we went for a small breakfast buffet with birthday cake but no singing or candles.  

We all clubbed together as a family and got him an Apple Watch, as when he tried one on in the Apple Store, he just LOVED it! It doesn’t ship until June, but this is him in the Apple Store! 

Giddy kipper
Giddy kipper

We have then just been to see dad and just stayed for while and had a chat. He has cleaned the house up beautifully ready for tomorrow and so everything is set. 

I wish I was set. My stomach is in knots and my IBS has taken a serious turn for the worse. I am dreading tomorrow and it still all doesn’t seem real. 

I hope M has had a good a day in some ways, but I know the whole thing has been very subdued. What else could we do? 

 

Gx  

Barbecue and Sympathy

So today is, well should be a happy day as our fancy shmanzy barbecue has arrived along with some “stress relief” purchases of a ridiculously expensive cover and grill scraper. 

It’s a funny thing that when you are living through a grieving process you feel like either you can’t or shouldn’t be laughing and if you do so involuntarily, you feel guilty. But the simple fact of life is that, it does carry on. Things DO carry on being funny and people and things are able to make you laugh. 

Just because you laugh it doesn’t mean you aren’t still grieving or that your loss is diminished, it isn’t. For me, it just means that I am human. But I still feel guilty. 

But dad has been round today and we haven talked about mum and things and I think it helps us both. By all accounts, my sister is coping in her usual way, by shopping the hell out of her credit card! We all have our ways of dealing.. 

I have also had some flowers from work today, I was very touched.. and our sideboard is heaving from the sympathy cards. I always think of myself as a person with very few friends, so to receive so many cards is a real humbling experience. 

G x 

Arrangements

So as I mentioned in my last post, my mum passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning and since then, things have been a bit, well odd.  

I feel better than I thought I would and I started  feel guilty about that. But I have to give you some context. Mum had Cancer for about a year with so many complications and set backs, it isn’t even funny. About 5 weeks ago she was told that treatment was no longer an option and was told to “go home and be with your family”. 

I think I maybe started my own grieving process then as I cried and sobbed when the news was confirmed. M had to come home from work I was so upset and I had countless sleepless night and bad dreams, all the time going to work with a mind full of worry and pain. I crashed my car one morning after some nights with poor sleep and I had to take some time off to sort my head out. 

So when mum did pass, I feel sad of course, but calm – accepting almost. 

Is that wrong? Am I weird? I feel like I should almost measure how I am feeling against other members of my family, but the truth is, everyone has their own experience and there is no script for something like this.  

We have been to register her death today and organise things like the wake and food etc etc. There is so much admin whe someone dies that you really have to have your shit together at the worst possible time. Madness, 

 

g x  

Sad News

Very sad news to report as my lovely mum Margaret passed away in her sleep last night. I was staying overnight with her as she didn’t want to be on her own and also so my dad could have a decent sleep. So as it happened, I was about 2:15am and I was on my own with her. She just drifted away.

Cancer is such a cruel disease and it’s robbed me of 3 out of 4 grandparents, my beloved Peggy Dog and now my mum. It’s not fair and we really really need to find a cure.

Don’t know what to say, so I just thought I’d leave you with her lovely face.

G x

 Margaret Esther Dixon 1946-2015

End of life care

So this is quite a tough diary to write as yesterday mum had a bad night and both my sister and I had the day off so we could help look after her. She was visited by both the doctor and the district nurse and because of her deterioration, the conversation turned to End of Life Care. *sighs* 

We discussed things like syringe drivers and “do not resuscitate” orders. All quite heavy but unfortunately necessary. Mum was understandably upset and dad is somewhere down a river called denial. 

In some odd way, we did have a nice day though as all th family were together and even my gorgeous 2 nieces came at the end of the day to eat ice pops and play in the garden. They are 9 and 5 and had no idea of the seriousness of the situation – what a blessed and light relief.