She wasn’t an adventurous woman, any trip further than Wigan brought her out in a cold sweat, but she made a good brew, she cared brilliantly for the old people in her care for over 20 years for her job, she was a vehement Wigan Warriors supporter and her fruitcake was the stuff of legends.
She left behind my dad and husband of 43 years, myself and my sister, 2 granddaughters, and a whole host of other people that loved her. She is missed. I miss her. I am nowhere near as sad as I have been since it happened, but I always feel a little “off” around this time. The upside is I get to talk about her a bit, which I don’t do so much anymore.
Grief is hard and weird and nothing like I thought it would be. But whatever it feels like, it does, in fact, suck.
So I think this i the last post I am going to write about grief – not because the grief has gone, but because it just feels like the right time.
My mum died in April 2015 after a 12 month cruel and harrowing battle with Oseophageal Cancer. She had many many set backs, the most serious being a broken hip after a fall in hospital, a subsequent delay in her cancer treatment and a near fatal collapse in Arrowe Park Hospital.
Her death to me was so very sad, I was on my own with her and she just drifted away. My heart broke into a million pieces and if I am being honest, I don’t think it will never be properly healed. I mean – how am I supposed to be in a world where my mum isn’t? My world perspective changed, my sleep pattern changed and I have to be honest, I turned into a complete crier! I am now in floods at the slightest thing.
However, on a more positive note, things have greatly improved with time just proving that cliches do exist. I still do think about her most days, but I don’t find myself near tears each day. I am now able to think about her and smile and remember the happy times. For a while all I could remember was the last year of her life, which was pretty miserable and so now I look at photos and think about good stuff again.
I will always miss my mum and be a bit jealous of people that still have theirs. I am going to have to navigate the second half of my life without my mum and that is quite something to wrap my head around. Sometimes I feel adrift and if I am being honest, sometimes it’s freeing. My mum was nothing if a bit judgy sometimes – so cards on table, her not rolling her eyes at my holiday or house choices is something now that just leaves me with a wry smile.
People say that things get better with time and I hate to admit it, but they are right. Who knew.
So this weekend is almost 5 months since mum died and I am pleased to report that things continue to improve. I say “improve” but you have to take that with a pinch of salt.
My mum died in April 2015 and I will be forever changed because of that, however, my day to day existance has slowly improved and each day the grief becomes a little less raw.
Thing that that are good/help
We had a week away in Anglesey and it was so relaxing that we realised that we shouldn’t leave it so long again before we have a real break.
Other people have noticed that I appear to be doing better
Not everything I see remind me of mum
We managed to get through Dad’s birthday without it being too weird or sad.
Things that are not so good/need work
My sleep pattern hasn’t totally returned to normal.
It’s our youngest niece’s birthday in October and it feelS very wrong and sad that mum won’t get to see them grow up.
Dad is doing better, but clearly still suffering.
Then of course last night, when I was doing fine and hadn’t really felt upset for a while, I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where one of the characters dies and it winded me. We had to stop watching whilst I gathered myself. It was like the on-screen characters had touched a raw nerve. 🙁
I guess I will never be fully healed… but I do think I’m getting there.
So this week marks about 12 weeks since mum died. I blogged at 6 weeks about how I was feeling a bit “Meh” and that my feeling were all over the place.
You will be pleased to know that things are starting to settle down a bit. I feel a bit more emotionally stable day-to-day and nowhere near as irritable. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my moments of sadness and the all-too-quick irritation, but thankfully, I think I am getting better. – I dunno though, maybe you would have to ask my husband, colleagues and family if this true, but I hope it is.
I still look at mum’s picture from time-to-time as it’s really is hard to take in that I will never, ever see her again… that is something that I haven’t quite wrapped my head around. That she is no longer on the earth… It’s so odd to think that she is really gone.
It’s my dad’s birthday in a couple of weeks and I fear that might be a slightly odd celebration. I can’t imagine dad wants to go wild at the first one without his partner of 45 years. I know I wouldn’t.
However, life is feeling slightly more “normal” if there is such a thing and sometime last weekend I had a moment where I felt palpably happy. I stood for a moment outside the cinema in Manchester and felt joy. Like I hadn’t a care in the world.. progress….
So this week has been a bit pants and that is just a colloquialism for awful. I blogged on Wednesday that I had a bad day and things haven’t really got any better. I think that my general mood has been lower than usual for three reasons, one because my sleeping still isn’t great and I feel permanently tired, two because my hay fever is being a bitch and also, it’s my birthday on Monday and the whole thing feels a bit weird without mum around. 🙁
M commented last night that he has never known me not to be excited about my birthday, but I just can’t get into the swing of things. Thankfully though, I now have a 3 day weekend, which means I might get some decent sleep. Well decent rest, which would do.
I am trying to stay positive but it’s quite hard when I feel so knackered all the time… makes things much harder to cope with.
Anyway, bring on the long weekend, I am pretty sure there will be pressies and cake – so it’s not all bad!
So what is your normal Friday feeling? Happiness, excitement, general positivity? Well mine today is just bluurgh. I have been to see my Chorley team this morning which went well, but when I got home I just started to feel sad. It almost 4 weeks since mum died and whilst I felt OK at first, as the weeks have gone one, I have felt worse and worse. This week was my first full week back at work and it’s been a real mix of busy, fun, sad and weird all at the same time.
I need to give myself a break for feeling sad at times, as this is the EXACT right emotion to have 4 weeks after your mum dies. Let’s not forget that before she passed, she was desperately ill for 12 months and that was horrible from start to finish. There were almost no times of light relief or respite and that was especially hard.
It’s also Bank Holiday this weekend, which means that it’s a 3 day weekend. Tomorrow is M’s sister’s birthday and we are going to his mum & dad’s for a birthday buffet. I am not really looking forward to going, but not because I don’t love M’s family and think they are great, but because I still don’t feel like being social. But if I don’t go, then what will I do? Stay at home on my own? That’s not good either.
Anyway, the one thing that was sort of funny today, was the range of pressies M and I bought ourselves….. who needs diamonds and gadgets when you can have a brush set, napkin holder and washing prop!!!
I feel more and more that I have a Maginot line in the sand… before mum dad and after she died and it’s immovable. Grief is very weird, but M keeps reassuring me that we will get through it, and I know he’s right. However, when you are right in the middle of it, like I am and we are now, it’s hard and I guess I just have to take each moment, day, hour, week and month as it comes.