3 years today | Grief

It’s 3 years today since we lost my mum. I say “Lost” she was actually ripped from our family much earlier than expected when Cancer took hold of her body and destroyed it.

She wasn’t an adventurous woman, any trip further than Wigan brought her out in a cold sweat, but she made a good brew, she cared brilliantly for the old people in her care for over 20 years for her job, she was a vehement Wigan Warriors supporter and her fruitcake was the stuff of legends.

She left behind my dad and husband of 43 years, myself and my sister, 2 granddaughters, and a whole host of other people that loved her. She is missed. I miss her. I am nowhere near as sad as I have been since it happened, but I always feel a little “off” around this time.  The upside is I get to talk about her a bit, which I don’t do so much anymore.

Grief is hard and weird and nothing like I thought it would be. But whatever it feels like, it does, in fact, suck.

Miss you Mum.

G x

 

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So today is a day where a few things are happening. We have been this morning to have mum’s ashes buried at St James (C of E) church yard in Haydock. So here’s the thing…I used to go to church regularly when I was younger, up until I was about 18, but then I discovered the pub and boys and stopped. So now the whole religious thing is really NOT my thing and I don’t hold with God, or Jesus or anything to do with the afterlife. I’m not spiritual and basically I think, once your are dead, then thats it.

But for a variety of reasons, we had to have a religious committal today, in order for mum’s ashes to be near her mum & dads ashes. It was ok and M and I really just went to support dad. I really just wanted to look around the church.

We then went for breakfast at a pub in Ashton In Makerfield and just spent a bit of time together. It is actually mum’s birthday today, she would have been 69. So if nothing else, we can remember her today and I am sure the garden of remembrance will give dad some comfort.

Steven Gerrard

Today is also a big day for M as Steven Gerrard, Liverpool’s captain, is playing his last game at Anfield. He’s played for LFC since 1998 and is a complete Liverpool legend. Michael’s mum & dad are coming to watch and Barbara is bring in a buffet for half time. What’s not to like?

Right then, before all that, I am off to Specsavers to pick up my new glasses and prescription sunglasses. Rock and roll. Rock and roll.

 

G x

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Oh what a day it has been. It’s my gorgeous husband’s birthday today, he is officially 42. It’s been such an odd day though as whilst we wanted to celebrate his birthday, it feels wrong to be jolly when it’s mum’s funeral tomorrow. 

We normally make a huge fuss for both our birthdays, well why not eh? So not being able to fully indulge has felt weird in lots of different ways. In the end we went for a small breakfast buffet with birthday cake but no singing or candles.  

We all clubbed together as a family and got him an Apple Watch, as when he tried one on in the Apple Store, he just LOVED it! It doesn’t ship until June, but this is him in the Apple Store! 

Giddy kipper

Giddy kipper

We have then just been to see dad and just stayed for while and had a chat. He has cleaned the house up beautifully ready for tomorrow and so everything is set. 

I wish I was set. My stomach is in knots and my IBS has taken a serious turn for the worse. I am dreading tomorrow and it still all doesn’t seem real. 

I hope M has had a good a day in some ways, but I know the whole thing has been very subdued. What else could we do? 

 

Gx  

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So today is, well should be a happy day as our fancy shmanzy barbecue has arrived along with some “stress relief” purchases of a ridiculously expensive cover and grill scraper. 

It’s a funny thing that when you are living through a grieving process you feel like either you can’t or shouldn’t be laughing and if you do so involuntarily, you feel guilty. But the simple fact of life is that, it does carry on. Things DO carry on being funny and people and things are able to make you laugh. 

Just because you laugh it doesn’t mean you aren’t still grieving or that your loss is diminished, it isn’t. For me, it just means that I am human. But I still feel guilty. 

But dad has been round today and we haven talked about mum and things and I think it helps us both. By all accounts, my sister is coping in her usual way, by shopping the hell out of her credit card! We all have our ways of dealing.. 

I have also had some flowers from work today, I was very touched.. and our sideboard is heaving from the sympathy cards. I always think of myself as a person with very few friends, so to receive so many cards is a real humbling experience. 

G x 

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I’m sat here in the 27th is December revelling in a post-Christmas glow. M and I are really enjoying a relaxing few days after what has been a very hectic and stressful few month and year overall. We both got some great Christmas pressies and I am actually writing this blog from my new iPad mini. Aren’t I a lucky girl….

The best part of all was my mum being home from hospital for Christmas and being able to be out at my sisters for Boxing Day. Her lengthy stay in hospital and cancer treatment have taken its toll on her, but she is cancer free and home. That’s the best pressie ever!

 

 

 

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