So what is your normal Friday feeling? Happiness, excitement, general positivity? Well mine today is just bluurgh. I have been to see my Chorley team this morning which went well, but when I got home I just started to feel sad. It almost 4 weeks since mum died and whilst I felt OK at first, as the weeks have gone one, I have felt worse and worse. This week was my first full week back at work and it’s been a real mix of busy, fun, sad and weird all at the same time.
I need to give myself a break for feeling sad at times, as this is the EXACT right emotion to have 4 weeks after your mum dies. Let’s not forget that before she passed, she was desperately ill for 12 months and that was horrible from start to finish. There were almost no times of light relief or respite and that was especially hard.
It’s also Bank Holiday this weekend, which means that it’s a 3 day weekend. Tomorrow is M’s sister’s birthday and we are going to his mum & dad’s for a birthday buffet. I am not really looking forward to going, but not because I don’t love M’s family and think they are great, but because I still don’t feel like being social. But if I don’t go, then what will I do? Stay at home on my own? That’s not good either.
Anyway, the one thing that was sort of funny today, was the range of pressies M and I bought ourselves….. who needs diamonds and gadgets when you can have a brush set, napkin holder and washing prop!!!
I feel more and more that I have a Maginot line in the sand… before mum dad and after she died and it’s immovable. Grief is very weird, but M keeps reassuring me that we will get through it, and I know he’s right. However, when you are right in the middle of it, like I am and we are now, it’s hard and I guess I just have to take each moment, day, hour, week and month as it comes.